he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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