Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
