My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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