a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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