last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
