My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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