he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
