dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
