I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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