I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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