woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
