i need an iv and a liver transplant
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
