On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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