I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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