I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
