My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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