I hate all girls vehemently.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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