life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
