wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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