The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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