you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
