I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
