Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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