my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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