Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
