Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
