so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
