Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My life is pants optional.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
