i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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