I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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