The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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