I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
