hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never underestimate the power of titties
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