Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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