So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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