Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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