five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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