$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
