I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
