Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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