yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
