So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
