i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
