I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
