Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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