there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize