I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
