birth control should be required to get into college
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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