enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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