I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
