I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
