Already got asked if we're dating
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
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there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The Olympian is in my bed
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