Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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