I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
