THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
