not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
