I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
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Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have feelings that need drinking.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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