i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it's like iHOP with fire
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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