I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
