There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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