I can text with my tongue
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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