And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
"it" just moved
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
